apparently i'm not the first person wake up and realize she's ugly cuz i tore this house apart and there is no sign of my clothes
I discovered the grieving process is shock, denial, anger...and then something about drinking until you puke on yourself
wtf
I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?
he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"
You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat
accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...
You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.
YOU'RE CHANGING THE SUBJECT. I CAN BLOW SOMETHING UP OR I CAN TELL HIM YOU LOVE HIM, BUT ONE OF THE TWO IS BOUND TO HAPPEN
In the middle of blowing him I looked at him and said "Your so old..." and then continued. I need to stop drinking.
I do believe that seeing camel toe in leopard print pants at Walmart is the closest I will ever come to going on a safari
I dont have to work tomorrow im yelling gibberish at squirrels
hooked up with someone last night while wearing walrus pajama pants. clearly I'm accomplishing big things in life
I chatted up the pastor's son on Grindr during the service. Still ridiculing my decision to go to church this morning?
My aunt just dropped me off at the bar, handed me $50 and told me she'd pick me up later if I needed her to. I should've gotten my license suspended a long ass time ago lol
my goldfish that i got the day i lost my virginity just died. im terrified as to what this symbolically means for my sex life
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