Banned from zoo.
Again?
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
I save people's lives for a living, but I want to ruin his marriage.
I told him we can only be friends from now on & he said he knows but that I'm the 'best he ever had'.
you slept with him again didn't you
you can't just quote Drake AND compliment me at the same time & receive nothin. he knows me too well
260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.
Bath mats should not be used at mops. they don't work. consider this a drunk psa
I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table
I have a cat, a bottle of wine, and a Brazilian man. I need to catch you up on my life
He just kept yelling cup my balls to everyone they kicked us out after 20 min
Somebody really needs to come home and pick up the used condom from the middle of the wood room floor. It's blue, if that helps decide who comes - uh, home.
Clearly I was drunk when I met them I gave them a muffin. But they sure remembered me
I will be wearing a suit out more cuz it has been decided i rage harder with a power tie
Bahahah I should. I’m the free range drunk girl who should clearly not be free range because who knows what kind of fuckery I would get into
Randomize
