Nothings more american than taking a shit with a handgun next to you.
For a day that started with shitting my pants, things turned out fairly well.
So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.
How many 'remember name' entries is it inappropriate to have in one's cell phone?
this is hardly the first time i've been told i'm dressed "too suggestively" for 7 in the morning.
Still in Rome. Hooked up with frat boy from SoCal that's studying abroad. He said he was 1/8 italian. I'll take it.
in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?
Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
I'm tired of stuffing my fat into a slutty costume. Next year let's go as homeless girls. Cute ones. In leggings with camel toe.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I'm going to try and loofah my hangover away.
Update: It didn't work
Let's be honest, I am pretty sketchy looking.
Whatever you have to do, STALL THEM. Your toothbrush is in the kitchen, my pants are on the balcony, and I don't have eyebrows.
Mass text: dear whatever jerk off who thinks they stole drugs from me. It was birth control. Go fuck yourself. And pray that I don't get pregnant.
Who puts their birth control in a bottle with a smiley face?!
Oh fuck wait
Randomize
