and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.
We just followed a woman home because she looked like Jeff Goldblum. Turns out she lives in a trailer park.
It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.
When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.
Maybe I'm a robot.
You can't be that drunk already
Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"
So it's national ass day?! I love October. No bra last Saturday and now ass day. This is my month. God is dedicating this October to me!
I'm not entirely sure what happened last night, but I think I dislocated my kneecap during an epic Mario Kart battle...
You just referred to a pillow with a stolen bra strapped to it as "she". Let that sink in for a minute.
She tried to gratify me left handed. Let's just say I've been placed on the 15 day DL.
Walgreens has pop rocks. Be prepared to get your dick sucked.
When did i become the Rickety Cricket of my own life?
No that one bar I got kicked out of got closed so that technically doesn't count
I thought you couldn't go near Germans after that restraining order
Your shirt... Was in my pants
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