Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.
you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat
It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.
I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.
He came over drunk in a speedo i told him he has my vote he said who are you voting for when i said obama he took off running and shouting i was worthless like an empty beer can
There are two women in my bed. I'm gonna have a bowl of noodles so I can better understand my success.
He pointed at me, then leaned in and said "shes the best at blow jobs" then chris fist pumped him and said "dude, I know"
The more I think about it, the more convinced I am that I'm the solution to all of T-Swift's guy problems.
LEAVE ME AND MY NIPPLES ALONE
You seem to be avoiding the poop question. How did you poop on your hand?
It threw me off a little. I had to take a moment and ask myself, "Is he really fingering me in his mom's kitchen while I eat a whopper?"
I'm drunk but I just ate 2 heads of broccoli so does that mean it evens out?
Yes absolutlely
Because of you I'm damaged goods. I'm a fucking soup can and you dropped me.
I spent half my night explaining that i'm in an open relationship to the guys that I liked, and the other half of the night explaining that I have a boyfriend to the guys that I didn't like.
a reward? ill think of something
if its not drugs or food I swear to god ill throw a fit
Randomize
