I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.
my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion
she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.
wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!
Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.
I've been meaning to ask you. The first night in the city did we do key bumps with a suicidal homeless man? My memory is fuzzy
Operation: pick up a lawyer was a resounding success. Commence operation: football mugshot weekend
Do you know anyone with a stuffed cougar? I want one for a self portrait to hang in my house. A bobcat or lynx might work too.
Ps I just used the "If you give a mouse a cookie" defense in a real life situation. Suck it
She literally took off her shirt and ran out of the bar. When she ran back she smashed into the glass door with her face....That's got to be the best way to celebrate your 30th.
I have a magical vagina and I can't deny it anymore
I deserve this hangover.
I legit just quacked out loud at a duck on campus. Realized after that there were people around me, they looked at me funny...
I'm going to target high, just in case I ask you where my paycheck went later
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
