You know the @ sign on twitter? i wish there was one of those in real life so that the smokin' hot guy at the bar would know the slutty unbuttoning of my shirt was directed @ him, not @ his friend who looks like Mickey Rourke post-face melting
community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.
no one is going to fuck you in a field of bunnies
Did i tell you my idea for my life plan? Not the one that involves stripping.
Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.
Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...
you stuck pieces of bread to your face with peanut butter and asked if it looked like you had a facial yeast infection.
ohhhh that's why they asked me to leave...
We have a nice shopping list..vibrators and roller blades
Priorities
I fell down the stairs while taking the dog out last night. I was laying there with the dog licking me face and my neighbor just stepped over me
Before we have sex for the first time I would like "eye of the tiger" to be playing to mentally prepare me for what I'm about to endure.
Tell him you want to lick his face. Didn't work for me but might turn out better for you idk
I walked in on a circlejerk after punching that guy out. Instant karma.
Puking out the window is really hard when you're the one driving.
well true... there's not a real discreet way to masturbate in public
I just sharted for the first time in my life. Age 33. Lying in bed. Sober. 2021 is off to a great start!
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