When I woke up his cat was sleeping on my face and i had scratch marks on my neck. not happy.
only room for one pussy in that bed.
dude, I'm watching paul blart mall cop. I have better things to do than listen to you whine about your recent divorce.
I thought Christmas was going to come before I did
She asked me to facebook all the girls I'd hooked up with. She started crying when I started my search with A.
it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.
I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.
There is a newly found video on my phone of me following you to the bathroom to watch you throw up. sorry I didn't hold your hair
Just crossed the line from casual pregrame to public intoxication. Shotgunning in a bus shelter.
Idk. I'm naked in front of the computer eating ribs. All is right with the world.
That's so nerdy and hot at the same time.
How exactly do I approach the whole "Well that was fun. Am I purchasing the Plan B or you?" topic?
Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.
Getting day drunk before work is perfectly acceptable when its 99 cent margaritas.
I have good news and bad news. Bad news, she's not in porn. Good news, I found porn.
I just wanted to check in on you and you replied with a selfie with your Coney Island waiter and the caption "after his shift we're dropping acid together"
For some reason drunk me always leaves sober me a banana in the morning.
Randomize
