my professor just told me i smelt like a brewery infront of my whole class b4 my final presentation
i want you now
you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this
This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this
you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.
On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?
Strong 6
That's an oxymoron.
i hooked up with some kid with a broken arm and he wouldnt even let me sign his cast
what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?
all i remember is him tryin to explain to the girls how to effectively hit the strip club with their bfs
hes actually pretty persuasive when he drinks
he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I feel like this has turned into my work. But if I get paid sitting under a desk, that's perfectly fine with me.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
What's the worst that could happen? I'm already broke and my leg's already broken
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
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