Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich
I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other
Well I knew we were drunk when I told you it was a good idea to shit in the ocean
Well, it's either jungle juice or memory of the night... It's unfortunate I can't have both
and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her
Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
I'm so incredibly high right now the fact I am texting is nothing short of miraculous. Call the Pope. Hell make me Saint Roy, patron of stoners.
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
Are you okay?
I went home with a 38 year old guy in a kilt, do I look okay!
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
I refuse to answer that question on the grounds that it may incriminate me
I smell like cowboy sweat. I got two lap dances. This is the best day of my life!
You took all of your clothes off and tried to seduce me and while trying to seduce me you decided you were too drunk and passed out.
Dipping my sugar cookies in a glass of fireball and creme soda. This is holiday spirit
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