Ur dog is a babe magnet. Reminds me of me
We need to start having sex underwater more often.
duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.
she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.
I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.
Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation
do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth
WHAT KIND OF DUMPSTER DOESNT HAVE PIZZA IN IT?
Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up
He was handing out home-made business cards that read "finger slamming bitches since 1986"\n
That sounds promising. I'm twerking to human nature.
There's a burrito next to my bed. Did you buy it for me or is the Chipotle fairy real? And why am I naked?
I'm glad you enjoyed the night but why were you calling me "daddy"?
You were in the girls bathroom yelling at some random chick because you thought she stole all the urinals. That's why you were kicked out.
You're my best friend, so I'm kinda scared to say this, but.....I kinda feel odd when I show up with you at your family events and I have banged or blown at least 3 people in the room
Randomize
