I can't tonight. I'm still nursing a beach sex injury. Don't wanna talk about it.
Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss
I have a sudden craving for National Treasure 2. THIS IS WHY DRUGS ARE AWESOME
he doesnt exactly give off the "im mature enough to use my penis" vibe
You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"
Did I show you my penis last night?
Dude, I'm importing a boy from Oklahoma for my divorce party. It's like doctors without borders, but with dicks.
It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.
I think I may have some undocumented and undiscovered std that causes girls to go bat shit crazy. How you got it is beyond me
I am not exagerating when I say the thought "screw you future me" actually just went through my head
A beef tasting is not what I needed while hungover
I'd say it's his fault for never running us through proper protocol for "catching your RA in the middle of him banging some girl"
Dude I was tripping acid when she was crying and I literally couldn't defend myself
I mean, I'm shallow, narcissistic, and selfish, but I'm an amazing friend sometimes
Can I borrow a thong? I’m having drinks with a cute boy tonight and I’m out of clean underwear
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