Now I have to picture Dave Letterman having sex with all these women. Im the real victim.
if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.
If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.
Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine
She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean
Dude you don't even know. I spilled the tequila and it took 4 people to stop me from drinking it off the table.
Are you feeling okay?
Right now, not a single thing feels even slightly okay. That hungover.
He asked if I could ever take him seriously, I told him I just like his doggy style.....needless to say I snuck out after an awkward cuddle session... I wont be calling him at 2 am anymore.
Sometimes I'm sad but then I realize that bagels.
She's high and running across rooftops. Yes we're going to end up in A&E again.
sorry for pouring tequila vodka and whiskey down your throat and left you to sleep on a table
Not sure what happened last night, but I woke up without a shirt on and cereal glued to my boobs...
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
As of right now, my vibrator and a bag of snickers share the same drawer
So I might join you on the drunk train on the way to poor decisions.
Randomize
