I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
Apparently last night I sat at the bar with an upside down sharpie lightning bolt on my forehead, yelling "It's Harry Potter's birthday! Let me be on the qudditch team!" And I kept calling the bartender Dobby. There are videos.
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
Nothing says "This dudes gotta go" better than a boner on your back waking you @ 5 in the morning
The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.
I guess I'll put a green shirt on. Also, I just snorted some protein shake power. That doesn't have anything to do with St. Patrick's Day. I just wanted you to know in case i die.
they fed me a peach. i was laying on the floor telling them how beautiful they were
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
Serious questions. Who is that girl? Why is she wearing a tiara? And why does she keep asking about penis piercings?
The cop actually kicked the bitches out of the cab so we could get ours. I flipped them all off as the door was shutting. That drunk.
I slapped him but he didn't wake up. He just nuzzled my head, hugged me closer, and smiled.
You blew him?!?!
*Am blowing
And I keep taking breaks to write you back, please stop replying.
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
You talk the same way I hallucinate.
Randomize
