Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?
better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn
What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...
he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.
I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.
I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me
Don't let me forget to bring the toilet inside tonight.
He's reached the drunk point where he's trying to convince the family to buy falcons as pets. Can't wait to see how my steak turns out
I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.
That one life defining moment when you catch yourself pouring whisky into your hot chocolate at 4 am, whilst crying and talking to your dog.
The maintenance guy asked for a box to stand on to reach the ceiling. All I could offer him was a keg.
Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.
We created a neighborhood watchdog drinking game
Talked to the dude for a hour . I now know where he lives, his occupation, his goals, his dreams and what his dick looks like.
His cat just sat there and simultaneously bobbed his head up and down while I blew him
She's the other freshman on this drunken voyage
Randomize
