also, made friends with this 75 year old millionaire Tony who likes to mosh. Don't ask.
I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.
Things are going great. I have tons of beer, margaritas, and theres an inflatable swan in the mix.
Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.
I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?
My arms are hairy. And so Is my left leg. Just my left leg, the right is smooth.
I'm like a magical alcohol dispenser. I pulled this kahlua out of my vagina.
Have you ever stopped and thought "I do NOT want to be inside of this person right now. Or ever." Because you should.
It's called the dick transitive property. It states if you touch a person whilst they touch a dick, you are also touching said dick.
Let's say hypothetically if you were going to put icing on a penis and then lick it clean...what would you ice it with? Not a knife right?
Just saw a dude take a shot in the parking lot in his car. Too early in the semester for that
I just pulled back the shower curtain to reveal Cinnamon Toast Crunch and a spoon in the bathtub. Ambien is a hell of a drug.
Some girls mom just approved of me banging her on Fb.... For the whole world to see.. I'm officially a god.
An old Grimace plushie came to life and gave me a pretty knife. I'm never doing acid again.
You took the receipt and ate it. You then took it out and gave it to the waitress with slobber and holes all over it.
Randomize
