I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much
After throwing up, the toothpaste tasted so good. Thank you for not letting me eat it.
I'm sitting at my desk looking through our payroll system photos to find my next boyfriend. Abuse of power or awesome?
Good news, I found your other leg warmer. Bad news, I don't know if the pile of puke I found it in was yours.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
These are your "grown up" slampiece's new hours of operation; please plan accordingly
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
I'm not having the "why are your fucking my daughter" talk and the "your a drug addict" talk with your mom tonight.
There's a woman at the bar holding a baby with one arm and doing shots of GM with the other. The baby is crying. I have lost faith in humanity.
I know you've been in hospital with meningitis, but last night I walked into a streetlight and bruised my penis so who's really suffering here
2:34, make a wish! I wish I wasn't on acid at Planned Parenthood. What's yours?
How’s the date going?? Do you think he’s gonna cut your face off and wear it to his birthday party?
You tried to pick a fight with a polka band saying that you'd wrap the accordion around their throats
I offered to trade my cat for a bottle of tequila as long as it had a handle on it and realized I had a problem
Rule number 1 of dorm living: do not forget your butt plug in the bathroom.
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