i just threw up in front of the washington monument. such a scenic puke.
My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.
So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.
And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.
I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.
His phone pocket dialed me while he was crapping. He was quietly singing stayin alive and possibly passing his intestines.
I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE
She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party
Tim and I found you a 5ish and asked how you were doing with the breakup. All you said was "i can't words"
I literally woke up walked into the bathroom, threw up and died this morning. Then went to my 8am.
That's not the problem. The problem is I thought I was over him but he smells nice today.
I shall relish in being the most basic of bitches
I'm high on the exercise bike at the gym. I feel like Lance Armstrong
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