I swear that men would be more efficient if they had a semen gauge on their penises
she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"
Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.
ps if your frozen peas taste like crotch it's because some dude kicked me in the nuts while trying to do a keg stand and I needed an ice pack
I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.
Two hot shots of tequila for breakfast? Yeah today is gonna be a shit show
I got dressed on his front steps, peed on his neighbors lawn, then did a shoeless walk of shame home at 5am...
Send help, water and tortillas.
I just talked this guy out of hooking up with me and gave him relationship advice. Am I a good person now?
Didn't have the heart to tell him that while he was eating my ass I was laughing, not moaning, into the pillow
I'm drinking with a guy who apparently blew my dog sitter.
She came 4 times, called me a god, then made me breakfast. I don't think she is ever going to leave
First day in a very long time I've done more pushups than bong rips
How my distance relationship is going: he's trying to sext me & I'm stuffing pizza in my face.
I just left a 3 minute voicemail to the guy I want to fuck baby talking my cats and I don't know if I can delete it 😐
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