also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.
Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.
Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere
Haha im about to meet my shrink &i have so much shit to tell him i made an outline
She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever
I've realized that my life is in no way structured to be compatible with monogamy. I'm not adjusting to this well.
im so proud of her that she got shit faced finally. This must be what it feels like to see you kids get their diploma or some shit.
But theres a keg here and me gusta
I took her to the bar and boom. All of my past slump busters were there. Shes cool enough to know what that means and said she was afraid they'd eat her so we left.
Look. If you get me out of this speeding ticket you can bang my sister. Or my mom. But not both.
in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.
Ran out of plates, so I'm using my sociology notes. Looks like they will finally have a practical use.
after you left he started opening his bottles by smashing the neck against the edge of the fireplace and pouring beer into his mouth. it was about the manliest thing ive ever seen. its probably how lumberjacks open their beers... if they didnt have their axes handy.
I don't get promposals. When I asked my date I was so drunk I couldn't lift my head. Then I puked on my lawn after he said "ok whatever". That's romance
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
Randomize
