I just realized that this morning is the first morning i've put on underwear in a week.
I love summer.
my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.
The only way I made it through work was reminding myself how many margaritas per hour I was making
Come find me please? Im in a ditch.
That doesn't help me much...
I'm right under the moon!
She dropped a weight class after every shot I took. I thought I was just drink something magical.
Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.
my hip hurts so fuckin bad. and I just found a half eaten burrito in my nightstand drawer.
Fucking someone because they own a lava lamp is like fucking someone because they have 20 dollars and no concern for their house burning down.
I just ordered a onesie on amazon in the back of the ambulance while my patient was sleeping. I'm an adult
We fucked to Bonnie Tyler in my car. He's the one.
My ex's girlfriend just invited me clubbing. Guess who won the breakup?
she threw up on her exam, awkwardly wiped it off with her sleeve and continued writing.
He ate me out for an eternity. Like fell asleep, woke up, and he was still doing it.
Is it bad form to puke out of a dorm window to avoid looking bad in front of the people in your room?
How about from a sixth floor window?
My vagina is the only part of me that is pleased you lived through last night.
Randomize
