So when exactly did I get naked and makeout with the statue?
well that one time I was being a total idiot trying to see how much I could drink. turns out 22 shots is too much. surprise surprise! ambulance party!
I am midnight drunk by noon
Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.
What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?
So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?
I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.
So we played the stone cold theme song and continued to chug 2 beers at once and everyone just looked in shock
Did he ask you why you were in his back yard Sunday night?
Can cross "get fingered at a state park" off my bucket list
"Only you can prevent yeast infections."
MY TITS ARE PERFECTLY CALM.
When Pitbull's songs sum up your life... you know it's time for some serious life changes.
I can't believe I haven't fucked an Elvis impersonator yet.
If you're not my stylist, having sex with me, or agreeing to have sex with me don't fucking touch my hair.
So now your dad has seen my tits. You could have told me he was coming by to help paint.
I didn't think you'd be painting the kitchen topless.
I couldn't find a shirt I was willing to ruin.
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