i want to bang the Snorg tees girl.. shes always smiling ;)
Just jerked off to Cameron Diaz in "My Sister's Keeper". New low.
I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS
I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.
He told him to "throw up in my mouth like I'm a baby bird."
how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?
Girl, he can't tell you not to take a bump just because you work tomorrow. You're on a wedding diet, remember?
This bitch rocks a fuckin fanny pack and still manages to lose her phone at every thirsty thursday
You were upset that she was flirting with your boyfriend so I thought the best game plan was to show her my boobs and get her to make out with me instead. I am the greatest friend on absinthe.
I came back from England with a face tattoo and the only thing anyone can talk about is my beard.
There's a set of buzz lightyear wings in lost and found at work. I just need access to your roof.
he force fed me pizza, ripped my clothes off, almost broke the couch, and actually broke my nose. it was a good night, i'd say 😂
I'll start working on my manners when you stop using please and thank you in the bedroom.
Maybe singing about how you'd bang Morgan Freeman to the tune of Single Ladies while holding champagne and a box of Cheerios wasn't the best first impression on his parents
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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