I've come to the conclusion that if I was an old man, I would perve around in short gym shorts for kicks.
I texted her sayin "I gotta brush my teethn then Im omw" maybe hint to do the same
the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo
I now beleive the Trojan Ecstasy ad "feels like nothing's there". They forgot to add "...cause the condom broke."
I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?
Just rescued a super cute pair of Gucci heels off the sorority lawn on my way to work. Things are worth two paychecks. Fuck trust fund kids.
It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.
He said you stopped mid-fuck, called fives on his dick, walked out to grab another drink, and came back.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
I broke my foot jumping out of YOUR window under YOUR watch. You failed me drunk guardian. You failed.
Glass of stolen champagne in a to go cup = tastiest hangover cure ever
BOOOOOOOOOOOO *takes away your hoe card*
I'm sitting in my car avoiding a customer. Apparently the new year hasn't affected my attitude nor work ethic
I went in the hotel's jacuzzi fully clothed, threw up in the bathroom half an hour later and woke up naked next to Dr. Seuss' "Oh the Places You'll Go"
He called my IUD an IED, and said that’s why I had bomb pussy.... I didn’t correct him
Randomize
