Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
there's a guy here who looks like a hipster got a hold of obama and gave him a makeover.
My dad just came home, said hi to mom and me in the kitchen, and then said "I'm gonna go inject my blood with iguana saliva".
Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.
We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.
well i did drunkenly flip his snowmobile going 90, so i can kind of see why hes mad
I just saw a dude sitting IN a bush, weeping and playing a harmonica. I hope your day is going better than his.
It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....
look for me at the Giants game I will possibly be the drunk girl passed out by 2nd
I can't believe I'm coordinating a threesome at work. My productivity is at an all time low.
I just paid $10 for tinder plus so that I could change my location to Rio and match with Olympic Athletes
The tamale guy is fucking with me, I wanna sleep in he wakes me up; early wake-n-bake and he's late and I'm hungry
Did you fill my inhaler with tequila?
Yeah, so?
I just told the bartender to “give me something that will murder me”
So some guy thought I took second place in a male stripper competition
Randomize
