Well, its 5:30am and you haven't let me in, I guess ill go home
Can Purell be used as lube?
please stop taking shits in my toilet and leaving them there.
I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.
stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work
i would one night stand the shit outta him
If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.
First drunken handjob: not successful. Second handjob, mostly sober: much better. Nightly news brought to you by me.
Then he told me he was proud of me for remembering that i blew him that night.. Maybe my drinking is getting out of hand.
A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.
You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.
I say I hate my boss but I find myself jerking off to him more and more with each passing day
... and smoked a joint with my new landlord. I'm starting to like Germany.
My liver is going to reject life during Greek Week
How many liver transplants can a person have? Bc you may need a couple
It's a draw. You need to settle it in Smash, Soul Calibur, and/or rock-paper-scissors, the last of which Steve claims is bullshit.
Randomize
