I was just texting to see if your vagina was working yet.
Does slim fast make a chocolate heart for valentines? If so that's what she's getting.
You should've come out last night, I need someone to explain why the bartender tried to strangle me...
He was drinking hot tub water because i refused to get him a glass of water...
Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
His hair looked like he was in a bukaki and then got a perm right after
She just mixed her Emergen-C with champagne... Vegas here we come!
Of the past 48 hours, 46 of them have been spent naked. I'd say it's been a good two days.
ok so i took my anxiety medication and i'm eating junior mints and i think my vagina will be ok
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
Costco cheesecake and whisky. A night made in heaven
I need a hobby that isn't dick related
We decorated the tree, drank wine, and he went down on me with Christmas music on in the background. Christmas IS coming.
Remind me to never do anything where hiding something in my butt is the best course of action
Randomize
