Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate
He just told me he would murder a thousand dolphins to be with me. Quite the charmer.
she's doing push ups on the keg. hows a girl supposed to compete with that?
she was definitely a virgin. no ones that bad unless theyre a virgin
your sister was..
Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead
My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted
She just called to say she can support a full bottle of vodka between "the girls" now. I'm going over, don't try and stop me.
She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically
I don't think everyone found it as funny as I did... Nothing says "Party's Over" like the sound of a pump action shotgun.
If you have a glass table... Put it up. I don't wanna hurt myself again, I just got my stitches out...
At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer
Mostly what I remember is someone saying "raise your hand if you're too turnt" then raising my hand and falling
I just tried to get a motorcycle cop to give me a ride....he told me not to ask strangers for rides
just showered sitting down cuz standing seemed like too much work, thursdays need to stop making me their bitch.
By the time we got to McDonald's you were sharing a Big Mac with a stripper.
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