Your parents are going to be so confused in the morning
More like pissed. but ill be sure to explain my pathological fear of terrorists hiding in the bathtub
I wish i could be there for it
I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this
He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him
He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?
You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
woke up to a case of keystone on my porch when I went to bed at seven that morning.. I think it's someone's peace offering for getting my roommates car towed
mom had to come pick me up from the hotel. I crawled to her car. She told me the entire way home if I puked in it I was going to lick it up. Like high school all over again...
All I'm sayin is that I don't want to raise anything. Or deal with anything. Or having anything come out of my vagina. I mean, I don't think that's asking too much.
Why is there a waffle in the knife drawer?
The real question is why are there knives in the waffle drawer.
the cop said "drunk and disorderly" like it was a bad thing
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
is it bad that im laying on a beach towel in my room with my lights on high pretending to be tanning on the beach in the summer?
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