I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.
How was it?
Fantastic, but that's not the point.
its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead
During sex she told me I could do anything I wanted to her. You remember that toy lightsaber we bought at Wal Mart?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Do you think most people who work at an airport Chili's can pin point where their lives went wrong?
Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.
Hey do you have anything at your house 30 ft. tall to throw eggs off of?
Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.
Puked up what appears to be battery acid next to the treadmill. Everyone noticed.
He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.
he told me he had a dream that he laid his head in my lap and silently gazed up at me. WHY AM I ALWAYS THE DUDE IN RELATIONSHIPS
i was sitting in the back of a squad car completely stoned watching airplanes take off
Well if you don't want to be kicked out before last call don't I would suggest stop drinking whiskey and don't call the giant bouncer with the neck tattoo "princess"
how do do this?
do what? Keep standing? Choose between 2 guys?
keep making boys cry?
I'm eating an ice cream cone and pooping. Don't know how I'm gonna wipe.
Randomize
