So drunk i had to piss sitting down...
just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.
I feel like I spend my weeks apologizing for my weekends.
Someones car got stolen, everyone is yelling, and im drunk just sayin yeah buddy over and over again
I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.
I admit it's going to be hard to top a limo orgy and Mcnuggets....but I have faith in you
Just lifeguarded a kid's party hungover so I could afford to go out drinking tonight. Circle of life shit goin on here.
The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.
I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.
Fuck you for setting me up with the guy from the Nickelback cover band
Payback for not stopping me from fucking the guy in the wookie costume
Maybe it was that imaginary ghost dick you were stuffing in your mouth a minute ago
Whoever was doing lines off my iPad is a dick. Also bring Gatorade, for I hunger
For Who flesh?
Well, I sent nudes with an Elmo t shirt on the floor... so there's that.
Never in my life have I seen a grown ass man get on all fours and attempt to buttfuck himself with the leg of a chair. I love Vegas!
I think it’s appropriate to celebrate the start of mother’s day at the bar with the men that almost made me a mother
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