Walked home this morning with my contacts in a shot glass.
First class.
She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead
You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.
porn star boner night. come get it.
And you kept repeating "I didn't know know that this was a no blow job zone."
I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.
Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!
I'm using toast as a chaser. If I wasn't already so fucked up this would be revolting.
her 18 year old son fed me pieces of a french roll like a pigeon, as I lay on the floor of the bathroom crying.
Just woke up, shitty hungover, and realized that every article of clothing I slept in was backwards, bra included. Fuck you, gin. Fuck you.
True freedom is running around a sex club in former power plant in Berlin wearing a boots, a jock
Just kidding. Don't worry, you're getting sugar and orgasms for Valentine's day.
Is it unhealthy for me to do shots of pinnacle by myself in my apartment right now? Asking for a friend
How do you confess that you've had phone sex with your fiancé's brother's ex-girlfriend's new guy she's dating who has also slept with your best friend?
I can't be held responsible for what I do for you after a blowjob like that.
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