I just want to sing "highway to the danger zone" when I'm taking his pants off.
there is a polo shirt epidemic at this bar. also, im pretty sure i just saw the grown-up coppertone baby
you alive?
ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin
i had 75 notifications coming from ur status. here i was thinking i had friends.
Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table
He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look
it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men
Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.
I may have to marry her. She is smarter than me and has a six figure job and doesn't want to have kids. All I have to be is a trophy husband.
I can't figure out how to eat twizzlers and I have to be at a wedding reception in an hour.
Please never have kids.
So i just remembered that thing i use to do with your butt because of shark week.
Is it tacky to frame a negative pregnancy test?
Why did I wake up covered in glitter next to a half eaten cheeseburger?
We were peeing side by side on the riverbank together and I felt like nothing brings you closer than drunken riverbank urinating so I caught her a friendship frog to wipe with since we left the tp in the canoe.
I'm floating on a rainbow and a purple elf is giving me advice. COME NOW!!!
Randomize
