Her vagina felt like a horse was eating an apple out of my hand..
i just put a booger in my mom's hair and i just needed to tell someone.
he literally had a slideshow of all the girls hes had sex with pictures set to american woman
All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"
Just remembered when I bought that round of shots I told the girls to "get their whore friend" who was making out with her bf instead of drinking. I don't know why they stayed.
What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?
Note to self. Don't order a $10 bottle of wine on a 40 min flight because it seems like a good deal.
God you're perfect.
I am. So drunk right now. Good work, Frontier.
I love that your nipples always taste like clean laundry.
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
She looks like a beluga.
I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"
What's the polite way to tell someone she's a grown ass woman and she needs to start acting like it.
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Someone wrote "LazerSwords" on my cock last night. My erect cock. Tequila is no one's friend.
Realization: many of my behaviors would lead to me being stoned to death in a lot of foreign countries. God bless America.
I get so pissed when there is something that NEEDS to be made fun of and you're not here.
Randomize
