We're like a lot better than the average bears
If a fat man falls in the shower and nobody is in the apartment, does his pride still hurt? Answer: yes
i was unsuccessful, further solidifying for me that girls should not masturbate.
I just jerked it so loud the neighbor banged on their floor. maybe my wife got the point
Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'
My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.
Pass the awkward sauce please.
I'm drowning in it here
you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?
yeah, you wanna come?
Why did you not tell me that video snapchats are a thing? This is a fucking game changer for my mobile sex life.
We watched playoff games and fucked so we could both see the TV. I've now found true love.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Apparently 'ewww' is not the correct response to him saying he has to go to a funeral while I'm there.
So I "accidentally" brought my road beers into church for this wedding
And they fell out of my pocket on the pew. Made quite a noise...safe to say I'm batting a thousand
you just don't appreciate it because you've never been arrested
Forget work, lets run away, rob banks, and have kinky sex with fuzzy handcuffs.
IT'S LIKE YOU READ MY MIND.
There's a Russian superstition that you'll spend your year the way you celebrate New Year's, so I'm honestly not that surprised you're drunk.
Randomize
