I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
proof that my night is going well: I can still open doors
I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.
Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair
You're a Heat fan? You lose any chance blowjob bc of your poor choice.
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
it's like i'm making a family tree of tunnel buddies for my vagina
I have shit my pants twice this week. #adulthood
We were sad, then we got horny, and then we needed some ranch
UVE SEEN MY TITS OKAY STOP CRYING
rest in peace liver.
It was nice having you occupy space in my body that could be holding beer n chicken.
that's going in my livers obituary.
Do you think it would be weird to add her on Facebook?
You just commited a felony act together, I honestly think we're beyond this.
Why is there a condom in my ukulele?
I have decided that I would still fuck Harrison Ford even though he is old as fuck now. Do you think it would kill him?
Most likely. But I bet he'd do a bang up job of it before he died.
He absolutely would.
Randomize
