I woke up wearing just my underwear and a headlamp at a different house than I remember passing out at. I told you irish car bombs are not made with an entire guinness.
Oh my god. I'm sorry if i peed on you last nite. I am truly disgusting
Maybe shotgunning 4 days after oral surgery wasn't such a good idea after all...
He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.
I woke up surrounded by goldfish. Thank God my laptop was here too. Now I don't have to leave my bed all day.
Weed is now completely legal in Colorado and Washington. I repeat weed is now legal! I'm putting a deposit down on a house as we speak.
ROADTRIP.
I'll feed you vitamin c from my mouth this weekend. Like a baby bird.
Promise??
Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.
That's going to be the title of my memoir.
he probably thinks i inited him over to have sex but really i just want to show him 90's music videos
She unfriended me four minutes after we fucked. That must be some sort of record.
I just wanted to personally thank you for throwing clementine slivers at me across the room while we made out
I just choked eating whip cream from the can, and peed a little because I was coughing so hard. How am I still single.
There is a man in my bed with "new zealand" tattooed on his back. Wtf happened last night?
Either my boss has an enormous dick or he’s hiding a can of tennis balls in his bike shorts
Maybe I will go to the company picnic
My brain is like a TV with 10 channels, 9 of them are static and the other one just plays that one Nagito Komaeda edit on loop 24/7
Randomize
