i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.
he must have thought the song was "ejacuate on the dance floor"
Wow... that's disturbing man, and their not even my balls
The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.
TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY
The lifeguard told us we had to move Mike before the tide came in when he passed out.
Just heard one of my friends say, "if you're trying to take advantage of me I really dont care. I just want this beer." ..
Look on the bright side, one day you will get to tell your grandkids how grandpappy got roofied on his 21st and woke up in a for sale house missing his shoes
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
Drunk me obviously wants to fuck up my life
It's like I have an arch nemesis, and it's me
Sending dick pics while driving a car going 80 in the rain at night to a married woman? Why hello 2014
If I had a penis, I'd want to put it in you. And I'd treat you with respect and pay for your drinks.
Well I just found a coupon for cheese in the bathroom so I've got that going for me
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