Was it a mistake telling him I couldn't get the abortion until I was 2 months along on the first date?
No need to clean the puke on the driveway. The squirrel is eating it up.
Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.
Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.
I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.
Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.
the game I always play with drunk me is can-you-button-and-unbutton things? If the answer is no, go home. Usually it's his pants
Also while I am being the bigger person I plan on bringing over something strong smelling and/or alcoholic to torture the poor hungover bastard
Well it was tamer than the 4th of july when I blew that guy I met walking home from the fireworks
I can't believe you're asking me to think of a sincere, creative way to apologize to your penis at 2 am.
That was obviously his first time talking dirty. He called my vagina "pretty"
We may have picked the wrong resort. Brenna and I have already been propositioned for swinging twice and we've only been here 3 hours
I'm wearing a suit and have no chance of getting laid or robing a casino. I consider this opportunity a failure
I had wine for breakfast at 6am, that's how visiting my parents went.
also i don't know what you guys ate last night but he broke the toilet
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