Theres this tee in the mall and it says all girls just wanna have safe sex. U make me think thats a lie
GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED
I feel like half our conversations start this way.
you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...
theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass
She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.
Dude that musta been some handjob last night. The sound of her pandora bracelet kept waking me up
It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face
Yikes. I usually have a 24-hour waiting period between sex partners. You know, like for a handgun.
Scary. I thought trees were a lie and that someone ha permanently stenciled them into my life. No joke.
You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
Just saw identical twins riding scooters. Today is not real who the hell rides a scooter anymore
He called my vagina "the man cave", and I found it charming
I had a good weekend too...although I cried about the dog in a drunken stupor last night...not one of my finest moments, but it's all water under the bridge.
Truth. Though I have held steadfast to the notion while the rest of you wavered. I had faith in his homosexuality.
Randomize
