My favorite part of the day is the 2 seconds of ignorance you have when you first wake up. Right before you remember where your mouth was last night.
Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.
do you think having her use a clorox disinfecting wipe on her vagina will keep me from getting her herpes if I don't have a condom?
I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.
The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.
Between the hair pulling and the choking its its more like combat than sex
Sorry I have an "Operation Iraqi Freedom" fantasy
I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.
this is what happens when you pick a roommate a year in advance.. she ends up hating you for hooking up with for of her extended family members
Watch out, there's a giant vagina in the quad running around screaming at people.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
He offered to take me to my appointment after breakfast then kind of just sat there and watched me get a papsmier. Most awkward first date ever.
I just realized that you're going to be drunk for daylight savings time again. Godspeed.
Yeah, he fractured his ass by doing a canon ball into the bath tub....
My hands smell like penis... I can't even remember the last time i touched a penis, but my hands say i did. Oh the mystery.
THREE MINUTES! THREE MINUTES PAST MIDNIGHT I STSRT HEARING CHRISTMAS MUSIC ON THE OVERHEAD PA SYSTEM!!!
Randomize
