When you only buy popcorn and condoms at the grocery store they know whats up.
if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church
Hallmark should totally make "congratulations on getting your period" cards...I feel they would be quite popular.
she keeps a pillow, blanket, and a pack of saltines under the bathroom sink, for "rough nights".
she made sit in a corner, drink nothing but water and told me she was worried about me because i picked up an irish guy at a taxi rank. says the girl who invented tequila night and fucked a guy in a park across the street from a sweet sixteenth.
I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.
Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.
I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away
Why am I always the sober one?
Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...
We don't have sex anymore. We both agree that the olympics are more important to watch. All day. Also i don't look good compared to the athletes...
We have six bottles of wine and we are at target buying baby oil to grease up the sleds with, just in case you're interested.
I just can't do Wednesdays sober anymore
I almost had a threesome in a giant beanbag chair. I love college.
But unlike the human Walter the plant Walter will someday grow to satisfy my needs
I'm noticing I drink less and do fewer lines when I do both together.
Now that's what I call smart money management.
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