this boner is fucking legendary. i should name it and celebrate its birthday every year
i also performed surgery on a chicken burrito from what i can tell from my scissors
We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.
Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.
How is it that you get into at least one taco related fight a year?
The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.
Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.
Your little brother is asking me for an "expert opinion" on his dick size.
Fuck underwear. Let's get stoned and eat ravioli.
I now have a bottom rung on my kissing scale. Like I can say "Well. On a scale of Matt to Braxton he was probably a Zach." It's the little things.
My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.
No. Not going out tonight. No. It's Tuesday. Xanax and Full House Tuesday.
Being sober is no fun. Karaoke and not wearing pants are not socially acceptable things to do anymore and this depresses me.
Jello shots and homoerotic movie scenes bingo?
Unless you want to see me masturbate, I think skype is a no go for now.
Randomize