I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.
hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.
you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict
It was around the time I started requesting "big girl straws" from the bartender for my jack and diets, that I knew I'd probably wake up with my sunglasses on and find my wallet in the shower.
he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.
I just want you to know that we eye fucked the shit out of someone who just got drafted
your fridge is broken, your sock drawer is full of snow, and you flipped off the whole stadium on the big screen. I'd say it went well.
I literally got so drunk last night, I texted myself "porpoises" and that was it. I have no recollection of this.
we told the drug dealer that our car was dead and we needed a jump so he would bring the drugs to us...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
Had a dream I cut my own dick off. That's it I gotta see a doctor...
Umm
Exactly.
i swear every fucking time i plan a party, one of our "friends" holds their shit in all week just to punch one off into the master bathroom after i pass out. it's almost like that dump you would see in a port a potty.
Also, let me tell you how embarrassing it is to match with someone who seemingly has their shit together at 4:45AM on a Thursday.
you tried to make the parrot smoke your joint
I am really drunk and also a zombie.
Randomize
