then my best friend's brother, boyfriend, and future bro in law showed up at the bar. they asked who i was there with. didn't know if "a 40 year old man" or "my 5th grade teacher" was better answer.
His facebook status is an owl city song. I'm so glad i didn't end up fucking him.
You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.
I tried to show my boob for free volcano tacos at taco bell last night. Not boobs. Just boob. The manager wasn't allowing it.
dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.
Every single person in dollar tree stares at you if you are buying a pregnancy test and wearing a charlie brown costume. Just FYI.
All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.
exactly. I want him to have to live with the fact that he fucked me. I want him to look me in the eye and say "you were a drunken mistake".
Uh yeah can we get an age of consent check on Dave's penis?
Age of consent, Dave's penis. Thank you...
That final makes me want to drink myself into the fetal position
Why did I puke in my shower caddy last night
Are you aware that you called me "Sexy clit lady" last night?
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
Good news, finally found someone who remembers Saturday night. Bad news, everyone in the bar saw your penis
kind of bad when u call a cop an asshole for driving you home from the bar
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