No. I was horrified and confused as to why you thought scrambled eggs and cottage cheese was a good mix
The only dream I remember having is one where my dad's sperm turned into baby hippos. Like, tiny baby hippos, pocket-sized. I am so fucked up.
The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become
He was so drunk he was throwing the bowling balls into other lanes on purpose. He still beat my high score thought.
Some guy just rode an office chair down my street, I hope he comes back so I can give him my number.
I want to reach into my vagina and rip out my uterus with my bare hands. Understand how much it hurts now?
I just watched some guy take a shot of jack Daniels, chase it with a shot of ciroc & then violently rip his pants off. You have to come here.
We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.
Where'd you go last night?
Don't EVER let me photobomb a group of lesbians again. They made me their "straight mascot" and I ended up singing Donna summer tunes for beers at their apartment complex.
Please don't judge me for my hormonal purchase, judge me for my awesome rack.
I could teach a class on "expressing your thanks through photos taken of yourself in the shower"
We need a shit load of segways right now
Why is there a business card for people who need bail bonds in my wallet...
Dont... please don't. Don't fuck him on his bean bag bed
I'm pretty sure I have PMS because I almost just cried about not being able to find a place that gives acrobat classes here.
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