Dude, the girl next to me just farted. Worst part, it smells like astroglide
i think i left my bra at your place
It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.
Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997
You kept hugging the big bouncer & feeling the other ones beard
I drink more single than I do in relationships. Except with assface.
I'm gonna take my bong and hot box the pirate ship in the daycare playground.
Please make sure you have solid number of friends around you that wouldn't be afraid to break a bottle and stab someone. If you're planning on drinking all of that, you're going to need a safety net.
I don't care what the Chinese zodiac calendar says . . . 2015 is the year of the cock!
I have no concept of chastity or moderation, she is a Catholic guilt poster child, how could I not try to hit that
The difference between 22 and 28 is bigger than I realised. I had the urge to put on Spongebob and give him a cookie.
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Good to know. If our sexting moves past early 1900s vernacular, I'll be sure to use that once or twice.
I just watched an old episode of Daria while eating brownies to cure day drunkness. Clearly I'm winning at adulting today.
I’m literally watching say yes to the dress, eating fancy cheeses with crackers, and I have orange dark chocolates. All of which is being washed down with merlot. And I’m 100% sure a porno is gonna go down next door tonight. They don’t have a car and arrived via taxi. Happy holidays from motel 6 Pendleton Oregon!
If I'm not naked in the back of a cop car having sex by the end of the night, I did something wrong..
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