my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.
i was hoping the water fountain would somehow shoot out vodka this morning
I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.
Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.
Her parents walked in on us. So for my birthday they bought me a blow-up doll with their daughters face on it. I don't know what to think right now.
something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..
I really have to stop waking up in hot tubs on Friday mornings.
You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.
Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.
I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.
If I get laid dressed as one of the McPoyle twins, I deserve all the medals.
Omg one side of my Labia is asleep. Has that ever happened to you?
I've counted four places at work I need to get laid in. Come help me accomplish this.
Hey, I'm your guy
I'm too socially awkward and sexually frustrated to get through this evening sober.
I just kept hitting the drum to get thru the crowd to the bar. Surprisingly it worked
Randomize
