I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate
apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!
I feel that my census will not be the first census submitted soaked in beer
Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.
As punishment for throwing up on my car, I am holding your phone hostage until the morning. You can read this message after I drop it off.
And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur
I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.
It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.
Was that you I seen riding on the top of a cab? Way to start the new year
Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf
Fucking holidays. How do I have this many men who want to fuck me and none of them are available when I'm ready to blow my top?
If he's gonna send me dick pics; he should at least zoom in to make it look bigger.
According to Joseph, last night I crawled into bed and told him to pretend I'm his French maid, and then started speaking with a German accent, and referring to his manbits as "ze greatest Weiner schnitzel I'd ever seen". Basically, last night was a roaring success.
Details are irrelevant. Come bail me out of jail.
are you inviting me to ice cream?
the subtext of everything i say to you is inviting you to ice cream
Randomize
