he came and i only had my diet coke to rinse.. can you say coke float?
just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.
She got all mad because she said it was "unprofessional" to tell my manager to go fist herself.
Oh I forgot to tell u. I hit someone with my car in the RiteAid parking lot. More like a nudge.
I know. I need to get a vagina tranquilizer.
I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
is anything happening tonight?? I'm soooo in need of a tasteful and healthy bender.
Last I saw, they went for a smoke and only one came back. He passed out outside. I'm glad he's only 120lbs. I left him on the rug still. My mom is gonna be pissed.
I just saw a stripper light her nipples on fire. Im terrified and impressed all at the same time
There are no female cereal mascots. I just realized that in my drunken state... So sexist...
Congrats. You made me have an orgasm in Starbucks.
He gave me a brownie at the beginning of class and now I can't feel my face.
He stumbled out of their hotel room and yelled, "I'M ON A STATEWIDE TOUR. I'VE BEEN IN KENTUCKY AND OKLAHOMA."
My Dachshund waddled into the room carrying a rolled-up pad in her mouth with period blood. This day is clearly off to a good start.
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