I accidentally had phone sex last night
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
I have a running excel spreadsheet detailing the number of shots in a night and subsequent ability to masturbate
Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.
finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.
I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense
Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.
Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?
The fact that you think I have a life is so flattering to me.
I have a strong contender for the new number 1 position for fwb. He met me at the door with pizza and a shot of patron
He legit watched "Cops" the entire time he was fingering me.
she paid $15 and a box of cheerios for their acid
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Remember when I made fun of you when you ran out of toilet paper on your brother's birthday and had to use coffee filters? Guess what happened today
When God closes one door, he opens up a taller, smarter, more successful door, with a bigger cock and nicer teeth.
Randomize
