The girls stopped by my apartment. They caught me naked with a nearly empty bottle of vodka in one hand, drawing crop circles in the carpet with the vacuum.
tonight would not even compare to the night i tried to pee in the living room
And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.
I should injure you considerably.
I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style
Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario
There is a guy standing at my bar right now wearing an affliction SUIT. I can't wait on him.
Dude idk, apparently telling two drunk chicks 'that's whats up' after watching them lick eachother's face wasn't the compliment they were looking for. I mean I was fucking hammered.
Wow.
There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?
Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?
Turns out, his fucking is as lame and staggered as his NFL career.
FALSE ALARM! I didn't piss myself, I fell asleep in the shower and then drunkingly crawled into my bed
It looked like his dick was wearing an argyle sweater.
I drew you a picture of Jesus holding hands with Frida Kahlo as a token of my gratitude
Dude we gotta go back to your cabin. left glenn. he's calling me crying and still drunk
I'm going to have to include Angry Orchard in my thesis acknowledgements
Nothing like putting a Percocet up your nose because you spent your night drinking heavily and can't drink water to make you heavily reconsider your life choices
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