the stripper made me go home becuz she had to take her kid to a birthday party in the morning
I woke up at 2 in my clothes with a defrosted steak in my pocket, no drinky this week at all.
Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us
I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.
I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.
You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.
Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.
I would have thought, as two of my best friends, you girls could have cought me as I fell out of the shower. There are so many bruises.
Do I really need this much space in my mouth?
Are you already high?
...I'm not a booty call or a pizza...you can't just call/text and expect to be eating me in an hour..
I just sugar scrubbed my vagina. If I don't get laid tonight, me and the universe are gonna have some problems.
I just had to go dumpster diving, at 3am, in the rain, because I realized that I somehow threw away the brand new package of birth control pills I picked up from the pharmacy this afternoon. So I'm sort of a responsible adult.
I may watch porn and eat a baked potato covered in chili in bed
I have need of you to return home with haste, as I require the magical capsules you possess to relieve the posterior pain I am living. I battle this demon with stubborn grit, however I feel that defeat is on the horizon.
Also, for real, though? Did we even have sex or were we just jumping on the bed drunk and naked...because with me that's actually a possibility.
Randomize
