After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I keep pulling short curlies out of my mouth. Not cool
i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."
he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.
You got kicked out of the strip club for spilling a tall boy on the stage and when the bouncers came to take you out you told them that they should probably go clean up your pee in the back corner cause they didn't seem to notice that
Jon thought he was that blonde chick from Three's Company when he was shrooming
Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?
This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand
just got home. some guy on my porch is tryin to show me his balls. no more parties at my apartment.
He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Out of curiosity, do you feel happiness for you, or sadness for ME, that you are the only one I drunk text?
Nope. Too much basics going on right now. I'm tying you both up and throwing you to the vibrating sexy toy sharks. You shall either sink or get off gloriously.
Just took a shot of 151, rimmned my middle finger in it, lit it on fire and lit a cigarette off it while flicking off my boss. How was your night??
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
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