I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina
he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.
how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.
I thought you were single?
I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.
Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!
Running across campus through Hurricane Sandy while hammered and in a slutty cowgirl costume obviously should be top priority tonight
Happy cinco de mayo!! Puke filled sombrero in the lawn needs to be picked up and whos never punched my fence boards in half needs to replace those by the way the owner of those panties (see attached photo) anytime you wanna cum over;-) hiii!
She kept asking for cigarettes, than just put them in her purse as "savings"
Who'd have thought a guy with a lisp would be so good with his tongue?
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
I just want you to know when I bang him in the back of my car later I'll have pony by ginuwine on repeat
It's official: I now only own one pair of jeans that I haven't blown the crotch out of. It might be time to put a stop to red wine Wednesdays.
You mean, in addition to red wine every-fucking-days?
His idea of a night out is drinking beer in the driveway. He's been on house arrest too long
All my friends are getting married and I'm pole dancing in a tattoo shop. I don't know how I feel about this.
They spent thousands on one day. You made $76 in 30 minutes. You should feel great about that.
She dry humped my leg in the raw while I was still dressed, came, and then fell asleep on top of me. All I got was a bruised thigh. 2020 needs to end.
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