Should I be offended if he asked if he could use saran wrap to eat me out?
She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.
so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning
because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'
no more ever clear
Well on a lighter note, guess who just threw up in the elevator
So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.
I wanna get shitfaced and yell about Tim tebow
I walked in and all four of you were covering your heads under the blanket singing waterslides in unison.
You tried to sit down... There was a distinct lack of couch.
I asked him why I was having sex with him in the middle of having sex. It was sufficiently awkward.
My gut feeling that we had reached a new level of intimacy last night was confirmed early this morning when you sleep farted on penis.
He saw one of my bras on the floor and said "damn you could eat soup out of this"
If a marine in My bed is not considered a valid excuse for missing class then I don't want to live in America anymore
Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out
He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
Just reached for my phone in my non existant pocket while it was in my hand.
Randomize
