Your favorite bartender is back from prision
i went to throw her on my bed and threw her straight in to my bike
Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.
Do you know anything about the Easter basket sitting on my doorstep filled with porn and peeps?
Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.
They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.
How's the hangover?
I've been begging my dog to mercy kill me for over an hour. He has this look like he might do it, you know, as my best friend should.
Is 1:30 too early for the bar?
Do you want my opinion or society's?
I want your company
60% of the guys I've slept with are on my holiday greeting card mailing list. I'm an amazing ex lover.
All you have to drink is moonshine and ranch. This is bullshit.
Magyver!
She'd probably like you more if you'd stop fucking her husband.
I found a tomato seed inside my jeans. I did not eat tomatoes
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
