I wish I was a guy so I could jack myself off anytime I wanted to
I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position
yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning
mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.
I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.
If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.
About to go out with the girl of my dreams tonight. I am looking at one of her hottest fb pics, to practice not looking at her huge tits.
He peed in the bird bath. Those birds are gonna be pissed
No my first time having an orgasm with you will not be on face time
My roommate just caught me cleaning a tostitos queso jar with my hand and eating it. He didn't judge. Bonding moment.
You gotta own your makeout pics Matt. They're like badges of honor
CALL ME OLD FASHIONED BUT PEE IS FOR TOILETS
Bacon and your penis are involved. Of course I'm going over.
At one point I believe I was despencing medical advice while wearing a sombrero and a hulk hand
I woke up under the kitchen table. Andy is cursing out Joe Exotic's name in between heaves in the bathroom. Jay is trying to sleep w/ a shirt tied over his eyes. Lena and Brad braved the sun to go get bloody mary supplies and food. I'd say the Tiger King drinking game was a success.
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